I Used to Live Here: A Short(ish) Story About Perseverance and Whatnot

For several years I spent a great deal of time here. Rambling. Musing. Telling you about my favorite clothes and skincare products and TV shows. Talking about everything and nothing (and both at once, it felt like sometimes, ha!). I’ve had several blogs, but this is the one that really stuck because it wasn’t centered around a niche or theme. It was just me. Natalie Said So was my little digital square of the internet. It was my home.

A few years ago I joined a podcast and began a journey paved with learning curves and adventures and expectations and setbacks and high hopes. Starting out, I didn’t know what I was doing, but nevertheless, I worked really hard at it. Maybe too hard at times. And while the community I helped build wasn’t nearly as big as some, I was and am still incredibly proud of it. Unfortunately, the hours I put in there meant I wasn’t able to show up here as much as I’d like, and if I can’t do something the way that I want, I have the tendency to get frustrated and not prioritize it at all (where my perfectionists at??). It didn’t feel like a necessary expense, and no one had commented that they missed it or anything, so when it came time to renew my website subscription last November, I did something that surprised even me:

I canceled it instead. 

With everything going on the last 2 months of the year — starting a new job (AGAIN), weddings, engagements, parties, the holidays, travel, holiday travel — it wasn’t super front of mind. But all along, it felt like there was a little ticker running in the back of my brain. An endless loop of “Why did you do that? Are you sure that was the right decision? Don’t you miss it? What’s wrong with you?” It was incessant. And in quieter moments, I would feel great sadness that I had given up on something I once really loved. Was I truly done? It was hard to say. I think growing up in a household where people stay in situations they shouldn’t for extended periods of time doesn’t exactly equip you with discernment on when to abandon something. So, as a result, I have stayed in jobs, relationships, and situations far longer than necessary. Was prolonging my tenure at Natalie Said So yet another display of ineptitude? Surely not…right? But I wasn’t 100% positive and money was kind of tight, so I quietly shuttered the site and attempted to move on. 

Except I couldn’t. I was stuck,

It felt like a huge disservice to myself and the lovely people who contributed to throw it all away. The ongoing thought loop grew louder until it became impossible to ignore. I wasn’t stuck. I was just denying my reality which is that I will always be a writer. And I knew that I knew that. So as of about an hour ago, I granted myself the permission and space to do it.

Even if I’m screaming into the void sometimes.

Even if I can’t contribute as much as I’d like.

Even if I can’t remember how Squarespace works because I’ve been away from it for so long.

Even if it means more screen time.

Even if no one reads blogs anymore because AI has taken over and ruined authenticity in the digital realm.

And whatever other stories I’m already trying to tell myself about why I shouldn’t do this.

So here I am, un-giving up on myself. There’s a part of me that feels like I need to shine this up before I put it back out into the universe, but I’m hoping something in here is of value to someone and it can just be what it is. If you poke around and find something that resonates with you, I would love to know. No, it’s not the whole reason I do this, but it makes any creative’s heart sing to know something they made is appreciated. No pressure. I’ll just be here…

Love you,

Nat