There is no Dana, Only Zuul: A Guide to Ghosting Recovery

What up my nerds! (Nailing it so far). I'm Natalie's common law sister, and I am excited / full on panicking to guest blog while she's off interviewing to be the next Queen (that's where she is, right?).

When Natalie and I were discussing what this post could be about, an area of unintentional expertise quickly rose to the surface - ghosting. Heard of it? It's a cute term to label a seriously unfortunate trend in modern dating where instead of breaking up, one of the parties just goes missing to end the relationship. Very Amelia Earhart / Jimmy Hoffa. The practice is growing more common as dates meet online and have no accountability to be normal to each other, and unfortunately, I've been on the receiving end of a ghost more often than seems fair for a natural blonde.  As a way to look on the sunny side of my experiences, I figured I could share some of the post-ghost truths I have been able to process. Let's bust these ghosts, or at least find a way to clean up the slime that gets left behind. Let me be your Bill Murray.

…unfortunately, I've been on the receiving end of a ghost more often than seems fair for a natural blonde.

Start by busting through any shame you have about being ghosted.  You are allowed to feel gutted. You are a person who is putting themselves out there for other people to get to know, and any rejection is hard — whether it’s after two dates or 20.  For the longest time I wasn't telling my girlfriends about all the ghouls I was dealing with because it was embarrassing to be so "leaveable," especially by someone who was just getting to know me, and I felt weak to care so much.  If I can pass any hard earned truth on to you, it’s that you are a living, breathing person with feelings and eyebrows and hopes and dreams and no matter how cool you want to be, the start of each new relationship can feel like the beginning of the end of all the dating drama. It's unavoidable to feel that way.  It is easy to want to harden and keep your heart from engaging until, I dunno, your third kid together, but that is robotic and all it will do is keep you further from the genuine connection you are after. Embrace the risk and bet on yourself. YOU are worth sticking around for, not just the cool party demo version of yourself.  Let yourself feel the excitement and anticipation of a new connection, even in the aftermath of a disappointment.

Embrace the risk and bet on yourself. YOU are worth sticking around for, not just the cool party demo version of yourself. 

If you find yourself ghosted, I recommend the following tips for regaining normalcy:

👻 Stop googling the obituaries.

He / she is not dead. 

👻 Delete correspondence. 

Do not analyze texts for overuse of emojis or that misspelling that pushed him over the edge. If you can run someone off with the oxford comma, just think what would've happened the first time you brought your night guard to a sleepover.

👻 Give yourself permission to sit in your feels for a bit and do a download of the situation.

While it's good to be self aware of any patterns in your dating habits that may create a hostile environment, I'd be willing to bet that this departure has little to nothing to do with you. This is the hardest part for me. Absent a clear cause, it's easy to make the ghosting all my fault, wondering if I was TOO passionate when he asked how I felt about my Dyson cordless vac (Ya'll. That's what this post should have been about. I love that thing.) or if I was too forward or too prudish or somehow maybe both.  Don't spend time trying to crack the why - you don't have all the information, and human behavior isn't linear. Take responsibility for what you should, and make friends with the gaps in the story. Be willing to leave them there.

👻 I beg you - please do not go on a MTV or radio show that calls ghosts and ask them why they left on air. 

Those are extreme options. More realistically, you will be tempted to text the ghost 100 times trying to get their attention. This is so cringy. While curiosity of course leaves you wondering why, there really aren't any absolute need to knows left after getting ghosted. You know they are a lil baby, and that they don't respect you. No further questions. 

If you find yourself in the support system of the haunted, I think the best approaches are to not minimize the relationship ("good thing it was only two dates") or tell them about the time your cousin got ghosted three years into their marriage, or say things that you couldn't possibly know ("the next one is THE one"). Just listen, affirm truths, call out dramatics, and bring tacos. 

May all the ghosts you see this Halloween be in possibly doctored YouTube clips or 90's movies with Christina Ricci. Thanks for reading!

Amry Stanley

Part Time Ghostbuster, Full Time Accountant, Coke Icee Connoisseur