The Last Time I Wore This Top...
The last time I wore this top was on the day I had to tell my clients I was losing my job. I tried to look okay. I thought a fun outfit and a sense of (false) optimism would distract them and prevent my panic from transferring.
I didn’t make it to see many accounts that day. It was pretty gut-wrenching to try to explain why I was losing my job when I didn’t fully understand myself.
Hell, I still don’t.
After a few rounds of back and forth resulting in more questions than answers and lots of tears, I finally gave up and went home. I threw the top in a bag with other items that needed to be tailored so I wouldn’t have to look at it.
A week or so later I dyed my hair pink in an effort to cheer myself up, and I’ve kept it that way all summer.
My beauty routine has been virtually nonexistent — quite the shift from my previous life — and even on what I would deem my worst days (appearance-wise), my hair seems to stand out and illicit a compliment from a kind older lady at a coffee shop or a cute girl at target or a bagger at the grocery store.
Yesterday, I grabbed the top from the tailoring pile and put it on, and I thought about how everything is somehow different now.
And how I didn’t think I’d survive, but I did.
Barely at times.
But I did.
And I guess what I want you to know is there is sunshine after the rain. And then there’s more rain. And then more sun. And on and on.
Grief isn’t linear.
I am okay. Some days are better than others. I’m trying to cope with the fact that I’ll likely be making an industry change when I was starting to feel pretty settled in and confident in the work I was doing. Not typically the time one takes a flying leap of this sort, but here we are.
I saw this quote the other day, and it stopped me in my tracks.
“Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over,
it became a
butterfly.”
― Chuang Tzu
Something is out there. I have to believe that. And when I find it, I will grab hold of it and run like hell towards it. Even though I’ve done that before. Even though it’s how I ended up where I am right now. Because I have to believe that this isn’t the end. Just somewhere in the middle. And something beautiful is on the way.
Although the smile is a little cautious, it isn’t forced. I have something now that I didn’t have then: hope.
And full disclosure — yesterday reminded me why this top ended up in the tailoring pile to begin with. #alldaywardrobemalfunction
